


once joined

by hannahoftheinternet



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e06 Rejoined, Getting Back Together, Light Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-04-24 14:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14357625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahoftheinternet/pseuds/hannahoftheinternet
Summary: In a world where reincarnation is regular and expected, a fluke of nature causes some people to remember their past lives. Keepers, as they're called, live by a strict set of rules to keep their past lives from interfering with their present. Dan has always lived by these rules and never found fault with them, but when a figure from a past life appears and throws his feelings out of control, he is faced with a difficult choice: law or love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this except that I've been watching too much Star Trek. Hope my worldbuilding isn't too confusing.

Dan’s sleeves are tight, no room for anything to be hidden in them. That was his very reason for choosing the shirt, but now his hands are starting to tingle and he wonders if he should have picked a different one.

He holds up the egg and gives a winning smile to his audience. PJ looks eagerly at Sophie for a reaction, but his girlfriend gives only a skeptical “It’s a trick.”

“Well, of course it’s a trick!” PJ says, looking back at Dan. Dan makes a show of wiping saliva off the egg and sets it down on the table. “But how’d he do it?”

Sophie frowns, and Dan can almost see the wheels turning in her brain. “He,” she says, drawing the word out as she tries to come to a logical conclusion, “hid it up his sleeve.”

Dan shakes his head and PJ reaches over the table to tug on his cuffs. “Actually, one of my previous lives used to dabble in the sleight of hand.”

“Was it Victoria?” PJ asks, eyebrows rising. Dan’s far too used to his interest in his long life to be fazed, but he remembers how his questions unnerved him when they first met.

He swipes a curl away from his forehead, pockets the egg, and sits at the table. “That’s right.”

“She sounds like the type,” PJ says, laughing. “Introverted, lacking confidence, just the kind of person who would want to dazzle the world with--”

“He swallowed the egg before he sat down and brought it up on cue!” Sophie interjects, putting her hand on the table with a  _ slap _ . “Gross.”

“Wrong again.”

Dan’s phone buzzes against the wooden table and they all jump. Dan answers it and presses it between his ear and his shoulder, getting ready for his next trick. Already, he knows exactly what to say to lead up to it. Hopefully he won’t trip on his words like he did last time he tried the trick. “Hello?”

“ _ Could you come down to the main office? _ ” It’s Louise, and she sounds worried. 

“On my way,” Dan says, and hangs up. He sets his phone down right-handed and turns back to his audience. PJ opens his mouth to say something, but before he can express himself, Dan says in a falsely condescending way, “Don’t worry, Soph. I’m sure you’ll get it eventually.”

He stares at a spot just above the woman’s left ear in silence for a few seconds longer than what would be normal, prompting twin “What?”s from the pair.

“No wonder you can’t figure it out,” he says, reaching up to Sophie’s ear and praying silently that his tongue won’t tie itself in a knot this time around. He pinches the five pence coin in his fingers and displays it to the couple, eliciting small laughs of surprise. “Your head is full of coins!”

PJ rises. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he calls out, and Dan suddenly realises that they’ve gathered a crowd, “the magnificent Daniel Howell!”

He stands and takes a small bow. The other people in the room clap and he feels like a child being congratulated for doing absolutely nothing impressive.

He pushes his chair in and walks off. He wishes he could blame his awful metaphors on a previous life, Arthur, maybe, but this particular trait comes from him alone.

The lifts aren’t working, as usual, so he hikes down the long flights of stairs to the ground floor. Dan knows he should probably spend his lunch hour doing something more productive, like eating, but PJ insisted and none of his lives had ever been able to resist a request from a friend.

The ground floor of Bright Eye is unrevealing of the magic that occurs within. A few beige sofas line the perimeter of the lobby and a geometric carpet sits in the center. Across the room from the lifts and the stairwell is a small office, where Louise is currently on duty.

He opens the door and plops himself down in one of the hard-backed chairs. Louise walks around the counter and leans against it. “There’s a visiting team of editors coming to help with the  _ Deep Space _ project.”

“We could use the help,” Dan says, relaxing. “ _ Deep Space _ is causing more problems than anything we’ve ever dealt with before.”

“It’s an important project.” Louise’s voice takes on a more cautious note and Dan finds himself leaning in. “Bright Eye has offered them full use of our equipment, but I thought you should know that one of the members of the team is Phil Lester.”

The name doesn't register. “Phil Lester?”

Louise looks so nervous now that Dan’s overactive imagination (courtesy of Victoria) is in overdrive. Could the man be a formerly-imprisoned murderer?

“He’s a Keeper,” Louise says. Dan lets out a breath, but sits straight up when he hears the next words. “Mirus line.”

Mirus. 

“Look,” Louise says, trying and failing to sound reassuring. “You have a few weeks of vacation accumulated. Put it to good use. Leave the city for a while.”

“Am I that dispensable around here?” he jokes, feeling his heart pound in his ears. 

“We’ll never notice you’re gone.”

Dan shakes his head. “I’ll stay. I think I can handle it.”

Louise looks skeptical. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never let my past interfere with my job before, and I’m not about to let it now.” Dan makes an effort to look serious and in control. “But thank you for the warning.”

Louise manages to look even more concerned, but she nods and says, “Any time.”

Even as he leaves the main office, he can feel her eyes following him and anxiety rises in his chest like a waking demon.

***

The team is apparently from Manchester: Phil, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. All three are Keepers, and Dan can’t help but marvel at the luck that must have brought them together. 

He’s wearing a nice shirt and dress pants, a far cry from his usual graphic tee and jeans. Louise and PJ are waiting in the lobby when he opens the door, both dressed up as if expecting the Queen. 

“Where is everyone else?” he asks, looking around. He’s almost expecting Hazel to jump out from behind a potted plant, but no, that’s just Victoria’s imagination again. 

Louise shifts her weight from one foot to the other. “No one else wanted to come.”

Dan nods knowingly. The team has definitely expressed that they don't really want an outsider group working with them. 

Less than a minute later, three people walk through the doors. The one in the lead is a redheaded woman in the process of putting a London map in her purse, and two softly arguing men follow her.

All three have intricate black marks covering the left sides of their faces. Dan’s own cheek begins to tingle at the sight of the marks that tell the world of their Keeper statuses. 

The marks of the man with black hair are achingly familiar. Elaborate swirls surrounding the face of a roaring lion, the muscles distort the image as he smiles a confident smile.

“I’m Cornelia Dahlgren, Esse line. We’re from We Are,” the woman says, an enthusiastic grin painting her face.

“Louise Pentland. Welcome to Bright Eye,” Louise returns, gripping Cornelia’s outstretched hand. “These are PJ Liguori and Dan Howell, Incendar line.” She gestures at them each in turn and Dan winces when the attention turns to him. The dark-haired man’s eyes look him over thoroughly and his smile wavers. 

The ginger man introduces himself as Martyn Lester of the Adigens line. His face is pleasant and his handshake is strong. Dan takes an almost instant liking to him.

“Phil Lester, Mirus line,” the man with black hair says, shaking PJ and Louise’s hands. When he gets to Dan, though, neither of them makes a move. 

“It’s been a long time,” Dan says, his breath catching. Phil’s eyes are still so blue. His black hair is quiffed and ginger at the roots. Glasses perch on his nose and Dan remembers against his will how good Francis’ eyesight was. 

“Yes,” Phil agrees stiffly. “It has.”

As if she senses the awkwardness of the situation, Louise offers to take the visitors to the editing studio on the first floor. The team leaves almost as if they are in a hurry, and PJ turns to Dan. “You know that man?” 

“I know him.” Dan’s eyes follow Phil up the stairs. “He used to be my husband.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long I've had loads of homework and I’ve been planning for my birthday nonstop, but the chapter's fairly long, so that should make up for it!

“So let me get this straight,” Sophie says. They are sitting on the floor of the recording studio, they being Sophie, PJ, and Dan. “Dan’s first life was Leo, right?”

“Leo St. George, that’s right,” Dan says, biting his thumbnail. He’s chewed it to the quick since he heard of Phil’s impending arrival, and he wonders if he shouldn’t invest in some of that awful pepper stuff they put on children’s nails.

“Then Leo dies, and his memories go into a girl named Victoria, and she is the first to bear the title of the Incendar line. And after Victoria dies, then it’s on to Edmund, then Yazi, then Arthur—”

“No,” Dan corrects. “Arthur, then Yazi.”

Sophie nods along, apparently committing this to memory. “Then from Yazi to Clarissa, and then eventually to you.”

“Right,” Dan and PJ say at the same time. Dan spits a nail shard out of the side of his mouth. 

“And this Phil Lester person was married to…?” Sophie has gotten out a pen and seems to be taking notes on the conversation. Dan stifles a laugh. 

“Yazi Richards. But in those days he wasn’t Phil,” he recounts. “Sometime before Phil, it was a man named Francis Clemente, and it was Francis that was married to Yazi. But Yazi died in a railway accident and Francis became a widower. I don’t know how long he lived after that, but Phil and I are around the same age, so I’d guess Francis was one or two lives before Phil.”

Sophie has given up the pen. “So now Francis is Phil and Yazi is Dan. And that makes Phil…”

“My ex-husband,” confirms Dan.

Sophie gives a disgusted sigh. “Honestly, I’m sorry I brought the whole thing up. It’s giving me a headache.”

PJ grins and reaches up to her ear as if to tuck away a stray piece of hair. “Must be all that money rattling around in there,” he says, and a five pence coin is clutched in his hand when he brings it down. “Thought so. You might want to get that looked at.”

Their little group—and the conversation—dissolves into laughter. Dan releases all his pent-up anxiety about the whole encounter with a few loud chuckles. All too soon, Sophie stands up to leave. “I’m going to get an Advil and see how filming for  _ Miss Paradise _ is going.”

Dan picks himself up off the floor and gives PJ a hand. It’s half past eleven, which means that it’s time to check in on the  _ Deep Space  _ set. He’s not looking forward to it; the green screen refuses to stay upright and Hazel can almost never remember what to say. 

“What I don’t understand,” PJ says, opening the door to the stairs, “is why you and Phil can’t just pick up where you left off. If you still love him, that is.”

The words touch upon a place Dan doesn’t want to recognize. He stares straight ahead as he climbs stairs. “I don’t. And even if I did, I couldn’t acknowledge it. I’d be violating Keeper rules, and who would want to do that?”

“Rules against love?” PJ is incredulous, and Dan finds himself absurdly irritated by his friend’s obvious shock about his culture. Google is a thing. 

But he fights down the impulse to say something cutting, and instead recites what he learned in primary school. “We believe that we should take advantage of our gift and accumulate experiences over many lifetimes. In order to move on, a Keeper must let go of the past and look to the future. Having a relationship with someone from a past life is taboo, unnatural.”

“But I don’t understand!” PJ protests. “How can people who are in love be forced to walk away from each other because someone sees it as unnatural?”

“That’s just the way the world works,” Dan says shortly. “Don’t ask me anything else.”

They climb the next two flights in silence. 

It’s three hours before Dan gets a moment to himself. The next six scenes of  _ Deep Space _ have been filmed and uploaded to his computer, so he makes an executive decision to have a snack before he starts editing. As soon as he opens his six-pack of Oreos, though, someone knocks on his door.

“Fuck off!” he says, splitting the Oreo open and eating one half.

Louise opens the door and chuckles lightly when she sees the package of Oreos. “I just wanted to tell you that we’re going to that new sushi place on Regent Street with Cornelia, Martyn, and Phil for dinner. So don’t eat too many Oreos.”

Dan’s brow furrows and he bites the other half. Crumbs dribble into his lap. He brushes irritatedly at them.

“You don’t have to go,” Louise says as an afterthought. “It’s fine if you don’t.”

“No.” Dan’s made his mind up about the whole thing. “You know how I hate to miss a party.” He smirks in case Louise doesn’t get the sarcasm.

She evidently does, because she says, “I’m serious, Dan.”

Dan takes out another Oreo but doesn’t eat it. “I know. I appreciate it, but I’m going to be working with Phil for the next week and I have to get used to it.”

He tacks on a “Don’t worry” because Louise doesn’t seem convinced. He splits the Oreo and hands her one half. She smiles, takes it, and leaves without another word.

Dan stares at the cookie in his hand. Suddenly it doesn’t seem so appetizing anymore. He turns on his computer and eats it anyway. He’ll need the energy for editing this disaster project.

***

The restaurant is set up as a kind of buffet: tables on one side of the big room, plates and plates of all kinds of Japanese food on the other. The journey there was torturous--it was exactly the time when the Underground was jam-packed and if there is anything Dan hates, it is being surrounded by annoyed and sweaty people.

At least the restaurant is cool. Small fans are placed throughout and ice water is readily available. Dan considers asking if he could stay there indefinitely.

After their various drinks have been served, Louise stands to make a toast. “To our visitors,” she says, “and to  _ Deep Space _ .”

“Here, here,” PJ agrees. Dan adds his voice and takes a sip from his cocktail. It’s not disgusting, but he could have done without it. He abandons it.

PJ and Martyn have started talking animatedly about  _ Deep Space _ and he stands to listen in on the conversation. 

“ _ DS _ could be what finally gets us some attention,” PJ is saying.

“Dream come true?” Martyn cracks a smile. 

PJ grins back winningly. “My dreams are a lot weirder, but it’s a step.”

Dan’s heard about PJ’s dreams before. The way the man’s head works is astounding: dips and paths that wouldn’t occur anywhere else. It makes him go a bit cross-eyed whenever PJ tries to explain how he envisions things, but it’s saved a project more than once.

He realizes that he’s the only one without food when Martyn takes a piece of nigiri off a plate--with his fingers, not chopsticks.  _ How did that happen? _ He takes an empty plate and makes his way over to the buffet. He’s not at all hungry, but he’s reaching for squid nigiri when Phil casually approaches the buffet, surveying the plates.

“This is amazing,” he says lightly. Dan hums assent and looks down.

“I don’t really know anything about Japanese food.” He laughs to himself. “Just that it tastes good.”

Dan points at the different rolls and fried foods. “Uramaki. Sashimi. Tonkatsu. Wait--” he corrects himself. “--tonkatsu, and tempura.”

Phil sets his plate down and looks straight at Dan. “I’m not very hungry.”

“Neither am I.” He can feel nerves beginning to coil in the pit of his stomach.

“But,” Phil says, placing maki gingerly on his plate, “the whole room is watching us, so we should load our plates anyway.”

“An audience,” Dan mutters. “Lovely.”

“Bit of a shame to disappoint them. Maybe we should do something.” A mischievous gleam begins to glow in Phil’s eyes and a stab of nostalgia for his old life goes through Dan’s belly.

Dan suggests, “We could get in a screaming match and start throwing sushi at each other.”

Phil snorts. “Good idea. Or we could throw ourselves at each other and profess our undying love for each other and our complete disregard for Keeper society.”

Dan’s mouth goes dry, but he manages to get the next few words out. “Cornelia might have an apoplexy.”

“My brother would probably explode. He’s really nervous about this whole thing.”

“I know the feeling.”

Phil’s chest rises and falls slowly. Dan watches him, plate of sushi forgotten.

“I told him,” the man says eventually, “that we’re both mature adults and we can handle it.”

Dan nods and picks his plate up. “Agreed,” he says, looking across the restaurant to avoid meeting Phil’s eyes. The entire group of people hurriedly pretends they weren’t watching the two of them carefully. “They’re watching us again.”

Shrugging, Phil gets a tiny bowl and fills it with soy sauce. “Guess we’ll have to get used to it. Thanks for the insights into Japanese food, Mr. Howell.”

Maybe the use of his surname is a dig, or maybe it’s a joke, but Dan tries not to react either way. “My pleasure, Mr. Lester.”

Phil departs, leaving Dan standing alone at the buffet. He watches the man make his way back to the group, but Phil looks over his shoulder before rejoining the conversation. Their eyes meet and Dan knows they’re thinking the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are a writer's best friend!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse for this

“After the base comes into range, we need Zia and Lena  _ in _ the ship, not on the planet.” Martyn paces up and down the tiny conference room, sounding incredibly congested. “If they’re not, they have no way to get onto the base and set up the reactor.”

It’s been a week since the team from We Are arrived, and Dan has done everything he can to stay out of Phil’s way. It really doesn’t help that they work in the same small building for eight hours a day.

“How long will it take to make the changes?” Louise asks Dan.

Dan shrugs. “Two hours, maybe. It shouldn’t take long. I can check in with Hazel if we need to reshoot.”

Louise nods along as he speaks. “Good. Maybe you should take someone from We Are and make sure they agree.”

“I’ll go,” Phil offers brightly. Dan’s head swivels and he stares. Phil grins at him in a vaguely awkward way.

“Great!” Cornelia interjects. “Can you guys start right away? We need those edits.”

Dan is still staring at Phil, who is still smiling. “Right.”

He looks down at his Converse as they all file out of the conference room. As everyone else turns left, he turns right and heads for the staircase. Phil follows him, stepping in time with him. “I’m sorry I offered. I know it’s weird.”

No!” Dan says snappishly. Phil jumps. “Sorry. It’s fine. Like you said, we’re mature adults and we can handle it.”

He turns his head, looks anywhere but at Phil. Swallowing, he fights the impulse to say something else, something less hard. What is Phil doing to him? He never keeps his thoughts to himself.

“Are you okay?” Phil touches his shoulder gingerly, like pressing any harder will sting him.

Dan raises his eyes from the floor and studies Phil. The swirling black marks on his cheek stand distinct against his pale skin. Even more ginger shows at his roots. Dan wants to laugh. Never in a million years would Francis have dyed his hair. He was so proud of his thick dark locks. Their faces are maybe five centimetres apart, so Dan can see every line of color in Phil’s irises.  _ You could go swimming in those eyes _ , he thinks distantly.

“Dan?” Phil prompts, and Dan remembers that he was supposed to answer a question.

“Uh… fine.” He shakes himself gently, and Phil’s hand falls away.

They’ve almost reached the stairwell by then, but Phil stops again before either of them can open the heavy metal door. “Is it rosacea?”

“What?” It’s a familiar word, but he can’t quite remember where he heard it before.

“The rosy patches on your face.” Phil brings his hand up, almost but not quite touching Dan’s face. His breath catches. “Yazi had rosacea. Is that what you have, too?” That’s where he knows it from.

“You were always so worried about it,” Dan says before correcting himself. “ _ Francis _ . Francis was always worried about it. But I know I said… Yazi said it was fine.” He breathes in.  “It’s not rosacea. It’s caused by stress. I’ve always had it.”

“You used to put cream on it,” says Phil, and Dan remembers the coolness of the soothing cream. He remembers the hands that helped to smear it over the rosy patches, as well. Strong hands. Not these hands.

Dan whispers, “You used to help.” Phil’s face is completely open and gentle, his lips soft and pink. “Sorry. I’ve never had this much trouble sorting between past and present.”

“I know what you mean,” Phil agrees, nodding along with his own words. “We should go find Hazel.” He opens the door and moves to go up the steps. “Why don’t you ever take the lift? I’ve been wondering that since day one.”

“They’ve never worked,” Dan says, watching Phil climb stairs. “We can’t really afford to get someone to fix them. Maybe after  _ Deep Space _ .”

Phil hums understanding and checks a floor number. “It’s important to you, huh? I know PJ said it was your path to fame.”

“It’s very important,” Dan says. Suddenly, unbidden, words rush from his mouth. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

Phil stops halfway up the next flight. “What?”

“The day of the train accident,” Dan elaborates. His chest hurts thinking about the blinding pain he experienced that day. “You asked me to stay home, but I didn’t listen to you. That was the week you had pneumonia and I should have stayed and taken care of you, but I was so excited to ride the new train that I forgot about you.” The words tumble forth before he can stop them. “I was wrong. I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. Yazi should have listened to Francis.” He draws in a breath. “We have a lot of work to do.”

Phil is stunned, frozen on the steps. “Dan, I… I didn’t know you felt that way.”

Dan laughs in a slightly bitter way. “How could you? I died.”

He covers it up well, but Dan knows that Phil cringed at that. He doesn’t say anything.

There’s a very long pause before Phil says, “Would you be interested in dinner? I’m going with some friends and I thought you might want to come along.

It’s the word  _ friends _ that makes Dan hesitate. “I’m not a very social person.”

“Actually,” Phil says, too quickly, “it’s just me and Cornelia.”

“Martyn?” Dan suddenly remembers that Martyn has been sneezing most of the day. “Is he sick?”

Phil nods. “He’s staying at our hotel. So are you in?”

“Sure.” Dan smiles awkwardly. “Sounds fabulous.”

“Great.”

“Okay. Dinner. Tonight.”

“Great.”

***

“No, not an awning, Some kind of tree. Maple, maybe?” Dan’s lost in the storytelling, trying to remember the exact details of the place Clarissa had been to.

“Wait.” Phil’s face stretches into a huge smile. “The Barros Inn?”

Dan clicks his fingers triumphantly. “That!”

“Clarissa got kicked out of the Barros Inn?” Phil says in sheer disbelief. “That place is wild. What did she do?”

“She sort of…” Dan loves this story, but what comes next always embarasses him, “set fire to it.”

“Sort of?”

“Alright, she set fire to it,” Dan admits as Phil laughs, “but it wasn’t on purpose.”

“Clarissa wasn’t like most Keepers, was she?” Phil says at their food arrives. The waiter gives their marks a curious glance.

“She liked to do things her own way. She used to say there was an exception to every rule, and always found it.” Dan takes a chip out of its container.

Phil’s mouth is half-full when he says, “Guess she didn’t  _ keep _ to herself!”

Dan groans, “That was terrible, Phil. Please leave.”

“You know,” Phil says, waving a piece of pasta, “I’m glad we never met. We would have hated each other. Dean loved rules.”

“I exaggerate Clarissa’s rebellion a lot,” Dan counters. “But you have a point. Clarissa hated being normal. She never worked a steady job in her life.”

“Weird, ‘cause you’ve been working at Super Amazing for so long.” Phil takes one of Dan’s chips. “These are terrible.”

“Fuck you, they’re delicious. And Clarissa would be horrified to know that I have a  _ desk job _ .” Dan makes a fake gagging noise.

“Yazi wasn’t much different,” Phil recalls. “I can remember talking about spreadsheets and her eyes glazing over.”

“We’re so much better suited to each other,” snorts Dan, not really thinking about what he’s saying and paying more attention to his food.

“That’s right.” Phil’s voice is soft. When Dan looks up, so are his eyes.

A phone rings and he instantly goes to his pocket to see who it is. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Phil doing the same. But no, it’s Cornelia who got the call.

“Cornelia Dahlgren,” she says. “Oh, no! No, stay there. I’ll bring you medicine.” She hangs up and shuts her phone off. “Martyn is sick. I’m so sorry; I have to go.” She leaves a couple bills on the table. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tell Martyn I’ll be along in a bit,” Phil tells her. Dan adds his sympathy and Cornelia departs.

“She’s a good friend,” Dan says. “Did we even speak to her all night?”

Phil shakes his head, turning pink all over. “I feel so bad. Maybe she enjoyed herself.”

“Yeah.” Dan doesn’t believe it for a second.

Again, there’s a bit of an awkward pause, which Phil breaks by saying, “Those earrings are nice. I didn’t notice those before.”

“Thanks.” Dan’s hand flies up to fiddle with the gold hoop through his left ear. “They’re a lot like Yazi’s favorite pair.”

“I remember. She was wearing them they day they got married.” Phil looks off into the distance. “They suit you. It’s really good to see you again. It’s weird… different face, different voice, but it still the same person I fell in love with.”

Butterflies come alive in Dan’s stomach. He can feel his cheeks burning. “I know,” he murmurs. “I try to think of you as just Phil, but then you smile and it’s Francis.”

On a whim, he reaches for Phil’s hand. “I’m glad you’re in my life again.

Phil smiles, and Dan sees that bit of Francis as their hands rest entwined.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, they all cram into the conference room again to watch the final cut of  _ Deep Space _ . Phil has two coffees in his hand when he walks in late, and he gives one to Dan. Dan sips it, expecting way too little milk than he likes, but it’s perfect. “How did you know?”

Phil grins. “Lucky guess? I still remember how you liked your coffee.”

“I still remember that you could get cavities from all the sugar you use,” Dan returns, hoping Phil recognized the playful snark for what it is. “How many teaspoons do you use? Nineteen?”

“It’s usually the sweetest thing in the room.” The rest of the joke goes unsaid, but Dan hears it all the same.  _ Except for you. _ Good to know the flirting technique hasn’t changed.

Cornelia is on her phone, texting someone. Dan assumes Martyn, who is also on his phone, sitting at the opposite end of the table, and looking extremely green.

“Listen up!” Louise calls cheerfully. “I think we’re ready to film the final battle in a few days, but let’s look at what we have. PJ?”

PJ presses play on his laptop and the movie on the projector starts to move. The opening credits look neat and precise, thanks to Hazel. Their background holds well on the green-screen, and the costumes stay together. Dan usually edits the dialogue scenes, not the fight scenes, but the latter are up to PJ’s usual standard. He can even see Phil’s influence in places, particularly in a camera angle he favors. The other soon-to-be-famous filmmakers take notes on changes to be made, but Dan sits transfixed through most of the movie. The acting, the special effects, the action, it astounds him. It looks like a professional film. All from their tiny workforce and minimal workspace.

When the film stops, right before the final fight scene, the room breaks into applause. Dan feels like crying. Phil puts his arm around him, saying “Well done, Dan.”

Dan stays on the happy high for ages, marveling at his film.  _ His film! _ The project he’s put so much of his time into is finally a reality.

He smiles, actually smiles so much his face hurts. Everyone else looks ridiculously happy too, smiling and laughing and moving briskly.

Everyone, he finds out as he goes in search of his friend at the end of the day, except Phil. They’re supposed to go out to dinner again in a few minutes, Dan’s suggestion this time. It’s not said, but they both know it’s a date.

But when he goes to roust Phil out of his borrowed office, he stops short, because he can hear people shouting.

“You can’t do this! It’s illegal, Phil! Don’t you understand?”

“I can’t just make myself stop caring,” Phil shoots back. “It’s easy for you to say. You’ve never reassociated. It’s impossible to tear yourself away.”

“That’s why the rule is  _ there _ ,” the other voice says. Dan can imagine him tearing at his hair in frustration. “We have to look to the future. Holding on to the past can only bring harm. You’re being selfish. The line is the priority, the gathering of experiences for future lives. You can’t live in the past.”

Dan knows the argument well. It’s almost word-for-word something he learned at school.  _ The line is the priority. You can’t live in the past. _

“I just want the best for you,” says the other voice sadly, and Dan realizes that it’s Martyn. “I don’t want you to get in trouble. Please.”

“Fine,” Phil says after a long pause. “You’re right. We leave in three days. I won’t speak to him after that.”

Dan’s heart stops. He fights the impulse to sink to the ground and lay there for a couple of days. He knows there was something, that there was hope of being together again. Phil has just stamped on that hope.

He’s right, of course he’s right. What they’re doing is illegal, one of the worst crimes of Keeper society.

_ But why? _ His traitorous mind asks, parroting PJ.  _ How can being in love be illegal? _

He turns and he runs, away from Phil and Martyn and law and his own heart.

There’s pizza in the cafeteria fridge. He eats it cold, playing an inane game on his phone and resisting the urge to cry. Time hardly passes. No one finds him. He’s just starting to go numb when the cafeteria door opens.

“Dan?” It’s Phil. “Are you alright?”

“Fine,” Dan grinds out. “I’m fine.”

Phil obviously doesn’t believe him, psychic bastard, because he sits down next to Dan and put his hands on the table. “You heard what happened, right?”

“I thought we could pick up exactly where we left off all those years ago,” says Dan, pushing the empty pizza box away from himself. “Turn out that doesn’t happen.”

“Dan.” Phil’s voice is so soft that he’s hard to hear. “I lied to Martyn.”

“What?”

“I lied to Martyn,” Phil says loudly. “I’m not going to stop speaking to you after we leave.”

“Maybe he’s right,” says Dan before he can stop himself. “Maybe we shouldn’t see each other after this project is over. We shouldn’t even be talking about it. It shouldn’t be happening.” The words spill from his mouth in a flood, and it’s not what he wants, but it’s what’s right.

Phil says, “Would it change how we feel, though?” and Dan wants to shake sense into him.

“It would be easier,” he says at last. “Just ignore what we feel.”

“I don’t believe you really think that,” says Phil. They’re centimetres apart again. 

“We were in love and I broke your heart when I died.” Dan is helpless. “I can’t break your heart again.” He know his words don’t make sense.

“I thought I’d stopped loving you,” Phil whispers. “It’s been so long. I thought something had changed. But it hasn’t, and I still love you the way I loved you then.”

Without thinking, without breathing, Dan kisses him. And if he closes his eyes, he could be standing in front of the altar kissing the love of his life.

Face burning, he breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against Phil’s.

“I missed you so much,” he says, and then he kisses Phil again and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it! comments are a writer's best friend!


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t know what do do.” Dan spreads his hands hopelessly. It’s Sunday, two days after he kissed Phil. He’s spent the last hour explaining everything to his friend, who has been listening very quietly.

Now Louise looks at him with an oddly intense gaze. “What do you want to do?”

“Throw myself at him,” he says without hesitation. “Profess my undying love and complete disregard for Keeper society.” Louise’s brow furrows, and he knows he has to explain. “Phil made a joke at that first dinner. Doesn’t sound so funny anymore.”

Shaking her head, Louise says, “Not really.” Dan’s heart sinks further, bypassing his stomach.

“You don’t think we should stay together. Louise, why?”

His friend sighs, pushing a lock of hair back over her shoulder. “Dan, you know I love you. And I only want the best for you, which means I don’t think you should risk it. The price for reassociating is exile. I watched Clarissa’s lecture on it yesterday.”

“I know what Clarissa used to say,” says Dan, almost spitting. Sometimes he hates his past lives. “And I’m not her.”

“I think you need to look at the big picture. Loyalty, responsibility--”

Putting his head in his hands, Dan grits his teeth and says, “You sound like every Keeper politician. I didn’t come here for a lecture.”

“I’m giving you advice as a friend.” Louise sits beside him and pats him on the back. “If you’re exiled, the Incendar line vanishes. When you die, everything you’ve ever known dies with you.”

“Morbid,” Dan quavers. He thinks he might burst into tears. “I know. But I love him.”

She leans into him, her usual humor vanished for the time being. “Whatever you choose, Dan, I’m behind you all the way.”

He wraps his arms around her and sighs. “I’ve lived seven lifetimes, and I’ve never had a friend like you.”

“Don’t you forget it.”

***

When Dan goes into work the next morning, there’s a group of repairmen milling around the lobby. PJ passes him carrying a camera, and when Dan shoots him a questioning look, he just says, “Fixing the lifts.”

_ Good timing _ , Dan thinks. Someone tells him that one of the two is completely fixed, but he’s not going to risk it. Apparently, no one else is either, because Hazel and Sophie follow him up the stairs.

They’re still filming and refilming, so Dan doesn’t really have anything to do. He plays a game on his Mac until lunch. Instead of going down to the cafeteria, he (using the stairs) goes up to the employee lounge on the top floor. Someone has been hoarding Indian food up there, so he pops it in the microwave and digs in as Cornelia and Martyn appear.

Martyn just looks at him, not with anger or sympathy or anything else Dan can distinguish. Just a look. Cornelia goes straight to him with a plastic container of pasta that she puts in the microwave.

“You’re okay?” she says quietly. Dan gathers that she doesn’t know about Phil’s play to stay in contact. So he nods, and she nods back.

He’s meant to edit something for  _ Miss Paradise _ , but something is holding him back. Indecision. He doesn’t know what he should do, and it’s messing with everything else he’s doing.

He’s about to pack up to leave when the fire alarms all start to ring and someone screams, “Fire! Everybody out!”

Dan grabs his computer and his phone and a few crucial papers and bolts for the fire escape. The air is sticky with heat. He can see other people gathered outside the building and going down the fire escape.

“Where’s Phil?” someone shouts. “Phil!”

Dan’s heart seizes with terror. He can imagine Phil’s body covered in flames, Phil choking on smoke. He almost falls down the rest of the steps; the man from the fire brigade standing by has to catch him and set him upright. He stumbles away, staring into the section of the building that is smoking.

“Phil,” he gasps to the nearest official-looking person. “Where?”

“Keeper like you?” she says. “Still trying to find him. Don’t worry, love,” she adds, and Dan knows that he’s gone so pale. “We’ve done this a billion times.”

“Check the lift,” Martyn says, coming up behind them. His skin is the color of death, and his voice is molasses. “He was in the lift.”

The woman nods and lifts her walkie-talkie. “Bob, have you checked the lift?”

A long pause. Dan’s stomach churns. Then, “ _ Found him! _ ” comes the voice and he nearly faints with relief. “ _ Wait. Damn. There’s a problem. It’s stuck between floors. Meryl, come here. Bring that dumbass repairman. _ ”

Almost unconsciously, Dan starts to follow her. She stops him. “Not safe in there. We’ll get him out.”

Ten minutes.

Fifteen.

Twenty.

Then:

Someone stumbles out from the gushing smoke, guided by two other people in uniform. His hair is singed, his skin is ashen, but he is alive.

Dan isn’t aware of running, of crying, but he is aware of Phil’s arms around him.

“I thought I lost you.” It spills out over and over. He’s doesn’t even care about everyone watching them.

“So did I.” Phil squeezes him. “Not again.

“Not again,” Dan agreed. “Never again. Never again. Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter left! remember, comments are a writer's best friend!


	6. Chapter 6

Dan’s nails are bleeding from his bites. It’s been two hours since the ambulance carried Phil away and he’s heard nothing. He’s so close to actually calling the hospital when his phone rings.

He lunges for it, answering with “Phil?”

“Hi, Dan,” says the voice on the other end and Dan almost faints with relief.

“Are you alright?” he bursts out. “Are you still in the hospital? Will you be okay?”

Phil laughs. “Calm down, Dan, I’m fine. The doctor said I didn’t inhale enough smoke to keep me there, so she gave me an inhaler and told me to rest at home.”

Sighing, Dan says, “Can I come visit you?”

There’s a long pause, so long that Dan opens his mouth to ask if something is wrong, but before the words come out, Phil mutters, “I’m actually outside your building.”

He is. Dan stares out the window to the street below and Phil is actually there, pacing around on the sidewalk.

“Why don’t you come up?” Dan says in a rush. “I can make tea.”

“Okay,” says Phil, and in five minutes, he’s sitting at Dan’s table sipping from a mug of green tea.

“This place was clean a few days ago,” Phil comments. He doesn’t look like someone who was just hospitalized. His skin has returned to its regular color and his broad smile is back in place. “What did you do?”

“I am not a naturally tidy person,” retorts Dan, and when Phil laughs, he knows that everything will be fine.

“You know--” Phil looks off into space-- “I was so busy helping with your project that I forgot about mine. I have a lot of work to do when I get back to Manchester.”

Phil’s project: a one-man comedy show about childhood. Dan’s been following it for a while; it’s probably one of the funniest shows he’s ever seen.

Wait.

What?

“Manchester?” Dan repeats stupidly. “You’re not staying?” Because, God, he thought Phil would stay with him. Which was a mistake. Phil has a life back in Manchester, a home.

“Uh…” Phil looks down. “Yeah. I’ll visit you.” It’s a weak attempt.

Dan fights down the lump in his throat. “Yeah, of course. Don’t know what I was thinking.”

Phil reaches across the table and grabs Dan’s hand. “I’ll come back, Dan. We can still be together.”

“No, we can’t.” Everything will not be fine. “The Keeper Council will exile us both. The line is the priority, remember?” Why is he saying this? These are not the words of a man in love.

“Sometimes I feel like the present is more is more important than the future,” Phil says, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Dan, I love you. Not your line. Your line brought us together, but we can make the choice to stay together. I just need to go back to Manchester to get everything together. I promise, Dan, I’ll come back.”

Dan pulls his hand away. “We both know that the moment you get to Manchester, you’re never coming back here.”

***

Dan watches from a distance as Cornelia, Martyn, and Phil board the train. They hug and say goodbye to Dan’s team, and Dan’s heart is tearing in two.

Phil has a smile pasted on his face, but Dan knows that it’s a sham. He’s been watching Dan the whole time, all though the ride on the Underground and the walk to the train station.

The announcer calls five minutes to departure. Martyn and Cornelia disappear, but Phil stays, eyes fixed on Dan. He looks back, knowing in his soul that they will never see each other again.

Phil vanishes.

The train begins to move away.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Then it stops.

A door opens.

Phil descends from the train.

Runs to Dan.

Stops in front of him.

Kisses him.

And says, “I will always come back, Dan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's done. It's been ten months of procrastinating, reading comments, writing and rewriting, and crying. I hope you all enjoyed my AU. I loved reading all your comments. Also, thanks for all the kudos, friends!!
> 
> As always, comments are a writer's best friend.


End file.
